A Letter to My Body

So I came across this challenge on BlogHer and thought it'd be fun, and possibly therapeutic. Turns out, I was right.

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Dear Body,

I'm so, so sorry for the things that I've put you through these 25 - almost 26! - years that we've been together. You've been good to me - and I try to reciprocate - but it's been difficult. You can't help but to be who you are, and yet I've had my issues accepting you and cherishing you the way I should be. I'm sorry and I just wanted to let you know that, from here on out, I will treat you better. So I write to you, my dear, as a way for you to gain an understanding of why my treatment of you has been sub-par and to make clear my intent towards you in the future.

Very early on, I was taught not to like you. You came to me slightly larger than other people's bodies, and as a child I was surrounded by people who told me something was wrong with you because you were bigger. These people influenced me so much that I believed what they said to be true, and began to think something was wrong with you. I resented the fact that I was stuck with you. I fed you to ignore the sadness that came with that resentment - especially as a child - and do you remember how you responded to that? You grew and grew, and scarred in ways I wouldn't have conceived of as a child. Most children's bodies didn't have stretch marks - but they first appeared on my arms when I was very young. Seeing those marks on you didn't help me feel any better about you.

I held on to that resentment of you for many many years, and felt less than others because of you, including the group of people who first told me that something was wrong with you because of your size. Even after I realized that the group of people who put this in my head were just judgmental bitches who had their own issues with their bodies, I held on to my resentment of you. I learned to disregard their opinions of my body - but because their opinion of you had been my opinion of you for so long, it was hard for me to let the opinion go. One thing that was funny - after I began to disregard those people's opinions of you, I began to get feedback about you that was much more positive from other groups of people - men mostly. I met people who actually liked how you looked - and a few who liked you so much that they wanted you for themselves. But their opinions were disregarded too - even those who seemed to like you so much they wanted to make use of you for their own selfish purposes.

I disregarded everyone's opinion of you and held on to my resentment of you stubbornly - except for when I allowed those particular people to make use of you for their own purposes. I allowed it though, because allowing them to use you actually made me feel good about you for the first time - even if that good feeling only lasted for a few minutes, it seemed to be worth it. I was still young then - just starting college - and didn't realize that treating you that way - letting others treat you that way - was a way of abusing you, ultimately. It didn't take me long to realize this though - and I would say that the first time I actually began to appreciate you was when I realized I should be more selective with whom I shared you.

Since that point, I have been learning, slowly, to love you. There was that summer between freshman and sophomore year of college though when I hated you so much! You had gotten so big so quickly! I'd treated you so badly during freshman year, with all the greasy food and drinking - you clearly didn't like it and stretched out bigger than you had ever been at that point. I was disgusted with you and decided to do something about it - remember? So I joined Weight Watchers and watched you slim down as I followed the program. Do you remember that? It was great. I never felt better about you. That feeling though, was short-lived too. I don't think I properly learned to take care of you given the circumstances I was in during my years in college. So I learned, slowly, just how to do that. And during that time, I began to truly appreciate you for the wonder you are.

And you are that, you know. A wonder. I remember clearly the very first time I saw you, on a whole, as this magnificent creature. It was in Jamaica - January 2006 - and I was visiting my sister - just so very happy to be there. I was getting ready to sleep and changing into my night clothes and I caught a glimpse of you unclothed. It was as if I was seeing you for the first time. Simply amazing. I think that was the day I fell in love with you - including your stretch marks, and love handles and all the other things most others would consider undesirable. I loved every bit in that moment and that feeling has never left me. You might think differently based on some of the things you've been subjected to since then - but believe me, I do love you.

It was that year that I think I treated you the worst ever. But my dear, you were the unfortunate and unavoidable scapegoat for the world of stress I lived in during that time. And I learned what can happen when you are neglected. Hair fell out. You gained 10 lbs in the space of a week - 10 lbs that you didn't let go of until this summer. The summer of 2006 I slowly began to treat you better - you didnt get any bigger, your hair grew, your skin cleared. I began to match my treatment of you with my love for you - despite whatever else was going on in my life.

Last year though, I learned of the devastating effect my treatment of you over the years has had. PCOS. It's reversible - but will only be reversed when I treat you better. And despite learning about PCOS I haven't been doing THAT much better in my treatment of you, I know. I'm even back on Weight Watchers and I'm not doing THAT much better. It's hard though - my interest in treating you well competes with school and my job. This past year you have been sick more often than in many years past - and I know it has a lot to do with my poor treatment of you.

And you definitely do not deserve the treatment! I'm writing this to you as a pledge to treat you better. If I continue on the way I have been, PCOS will be the least of my troubles with you. Beyond that - I long for the days when you felt full of life. You and I haven't been together THAT long - we can still feel good together - but my treatment of you has worn you down before your time, I believe. So, from here on out, I will eat and drink more of the things you respond to and digest the best - I will exercise you more and most importantly, I will value you and treat you as my most important possession - because that is exactly what you are. Without you, I wouldn't be able to write this and do all that I want to do in life.

Once again, I apologize for past mistreatment, my dear. But, if you are patient with me, you will see how much things will change for the better.



Love,

Tricia

about my dreams:

i find that as i go along in my life in pursuit of my dreams, there are many days when the going along gets rough. and there are days when the word "rough" doesn't begin to describe how bad it is. it gets so bad that sometimes i wonder if the pursuit is really worth it at all. i think a part of the problem is, for me, that i'm not going after my dream in pursuit of happiness. i'm happy. i'm blessed and i am relatively healthy and God gave me the ability to do great things and i'm already doing great things. i'm content - i have many things that bring me joy. my dreams are not worth pursuing because attaining it will make me so much more happier than i am now - maybe it will, maybe it won't. i pursue my dreams mainly because i believe i was put here for a purpose, and it's my mission to fulfill that purpose. because my dream is not so much one i created but one that was given to me, it's hard for me to justify pursuing my dreams in the typical sense. it's as if it was literally another person that said, "Tricia, this is what you are here to do. So now, go do it." that's not exactly how that happened. i do know i was five or six years old - i was definitely in kindergarten and i may have actually been in kindergarten class when it happened. no one said anything to me and i don't really believe that at that age i even had the wherewithal to consider my life's purpose (even though i was an unusually bright kid.). but, there it was. what i was here to do. it was definitely given to me. and since it's not something i came up with on my own, i've had some issues figuring out how it was going to get done, and whether it's really worth my time at all. i think when you own something, anything, including a dream, it's easy to think about what you will do and won't do with it - because it's yours, either by creation or some other means of ownership. but when something is given to you, especially when you didn't ask for it, it's harder to just know what should be done with it, and if you should even bother to keep it. but i've kept it. even when i tried to throw it away, it always came back to me. and since the age of five or six i've been fortunate to discover just how it was i am to fulfill these purposes - the method too has been something given to me - not exactly something i thought about and made a decision to do. it might seem mindless - and it is mindless. i have not attached a tremendous amount of thought to keeping the dream or to the decision on how it should be pursued. so here i am in the midst of pursuing my dreams - and it's not easy. and i wonder, if my dream was given to me so easily, why is it that i can't pursue the dream as easily? i never told life what i wanted to do, and i never asked life what it wanted from me - life just told me what it was that i had to do without any effort on my part. so why is it that now that i'm actually doing what life wants me to do, life is making it so difficult? what's the point in all this? as i've written this, i've drawn the conclusion that life or whatever it is that gave me the dream isn't what makes things so difficult - it's me. it's me questioning it, it's me doing things that clearly go against the pursuit of the dream, it's my lack of faith that i am doing what i'm supposed to be doing that makes minor complications into huge difficulties. i need to trust, and i need to believe in it and be consistent in the trust and belief. the dream has always been trusting and faithful to me and things will likely get easier once i reciprocate.

© 2008 Patricia B.

Inevitable

I know that if it is meant to be
He will come to me.
And it's not a matter meant for worry.
And it's not a process to rush or hurry.

Just as the sun is naturally bound to shine
If he is meant for me, then he will be mine.

© 2008 Patricia B.

--
True story. Maybe one day, I'll tell you all about it.

Where I'm From

Sometimes I’m baffled the responses I get when I
Answer the question of where I’m from.
I'm a Brooklyn baby, born and bred in the borough
But when people hear decent grammar,
they also don't expect to hear
that I was born in Brookdale Hospital, right off the B35
or that I grew up on Bradford and Livonia,
a couple of blocks from the 3.
Back in the day you would have easily found me
playing in the yard of PS 13 or
giggling with my friends in front of IS 292
or hanging out at the pizza shop around the corner from Brooklyn Tech -
or working at my first real job at the Burger King in Fulton Mall
or kissing my first love while in the glory of Promenade’s panorama.
Nowadays, you can find me at the only law school
that goes by the name of my borough
(yea that's right, I said its MY borough)
And I claim Brooklyn just as it claimed me
years before my birth, when mother came
from Jamaica, dreaming of the stairs she would climb
as she moved away from the land of wood and water
to the birthplace of her future daughter,
attempting to attain something better.
Many look down on Brooklyn
But many know of its promise of a better life -
The one it gave my mother decades ago.
I'm not just from Brooklyn - I am Brooklyn
for I am the realization of the promise
given to my mother and many others -
I am the accumulation of opportunities it holds
and the continuing result of Brooklyn’s hopes come true.
So while I might appear to some to be from somewhere else
I won't shape my answers to their questions
by their misconceptions
of what it means to be from Brooklyn.
© 2007 Patricia B.

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Ok yea, I should be studying for the MPRE, but I was inspired to write while rocking out to some Mos Def tracks. This poem is actually a work in progress - I might clean it up a bit, maybe add more, or maybe write another poem about me and Brooklyn? There's just so much that I can say.

Missing you.

So I know I haven't been writing
But I've been striving, trying
to make myself a little bit better
which has me in this rat race
trying to escape
while getting pushed and shoved and smacked in the face...
It's been brutal,
because I'm chasing my other passion
While holding tightly to you:
My pen, my words, my craft, my love.
But my other goals and dreams often draw me away,
So I just came back briefly to say
That because I'm not always with you
Don't think I've forgotten about you
Because in my writing lies my heart
And I'm not sure where I'll end,
but you are where my life starts...
© 2007 Patricia B.
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Ok seriously though - I haven't written in a couple of weeks and I MISS IT!!!! Man. Things are so busy and they are about to get busier - I have to take the MPRE in two weeks, I am looking for a job AND then I have to deal with being a busy law student. Argh! I was just sitting here reading about shareholder lawsuits and derivative actions for my Corporations class and just felt this urge to write something. And there you have it. I'm not even sure if it makes complete sense right now - I'm feeling too flustered to look at it objectively. I just needed to get out what was in my head.

Writing is really my first great love - my first great passion. It hasn't gone away but now it's competing with my journey to attorneydom. If only I could find a way to combine the two... (and no, writing legal memoranda and such does not do it for me... )

To my heroes.

This one is for you:
For those who stand with clarity
While all around you falter, confounded.
For those who emanate peace and understanding -
This one is for you.
For those who know the secret to love
that all else searches for -
Who attracts others with the glow
from that sweet love of humanity
that you've somehow acquired -
This one is for you.
For those who inspire others with wisdom and
Walk a hard road shod with courage.
Who knows the way to destiny,
And gives the directions to others frequently -
This one is for you.
You, who effortlessly are the paradigm
We strive to follow.
Who by virtue of who you are
Inspire generations and mold actions.
For those who utter the words
to which others cling -
This one is for you.
For those who strive for more
Despite success already achieved,
Who knows that in the light of God's grace
that life is a process meant to be filled with progress.
Because you inspire me so,
This one is for you.
I hope you like it.
(I really do.)
© 2007 Patricia B.

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A few weeks ago, I had a dream that I was entering step 2 of the pursuit of my writing career: performing my work. The fact that performing is important to my writing may not make sense, but it is important - for it is an important way to share the things I write, to promote myself and my work. It is also something that I am still currently VERY NERVOUS about doing. I have never read any of my poetry or other written pieces aloud for a captive audience (apart from anything I've ever done for a creative writing or English class).

So in this dream I had a few weeks ago I was conquering step 2. The piece I performed in this dream approximates the poem above. (As soon as I woke up I grabbed my journal and started scribbling whatever I could remember from it.) The poem that I use to conquer my fear and reach a goal in my dream is about my heroes - I don't know quite what that means, but I'm sure some meaning can be culled from that.

The dream itself ended by me saying the last two lines of the poem above. I'm not sure if that was really supposed to be in the poem as I dreamed it, or if it was just a mere expression of hope that the audience liked my poem. It was probably both. I'll never know if the audience in my dream liked my poem, but I do hope you like it. I really do.

In gratitude.

I'm thankful for:
my family
my friends
my general health
my access to health services
my mother
my mother's house
my room
my clothes, which are now all over my room
my shoes, which are now all over the floor in my room
my sense of style
my good sense
my intelligence
my creative ability
my developing legal mind
my developing writing talent
my success
my potential
my brown skin
my curly hair
my astigmatic and myopic pair of eyes
my bouncy and perky pair of D's
my love for my body
my love for myself
my countries (US & Jamaica)
my confidence
my insecurities
my resilience
my mistakes
my ability to learn from mistakes
my possibilities
my Lord, through whom all things are possible.

© 2007 Patricia B.
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I think on a day like today, it's good to reflect on all the blessings you've been given, and everyday is a good day to give thanks and praise.

Unstable.

Before leaving for work today I caught the first 10 minutes of The View, who introduced comedian Sherri Shepherd as their new co-host (YAY! I like her on the show). I'm glad I caught it, because even though she has been on that show as a temporary co-host many times, today was the day they officially introduced her and showed a segment about her background, how she got into comedy etc. It's a pretty cool story - one that involves a huge leap of faith which clearly is working out for her - and she said something that struck a chord with me...

So she was a legal secretary out in Beverly Hills when she was thinking of going into comedy and did a few shows here and there - but wasn't sure if she should go into it with full force because being a comic is so unstable - but then someone reminded her: "if it was about stability, then you wouldn't have faith."

So true!! I think I needed to hear that this morning. I can't be scared of what can be or what will be, because there is no real way to guarantee an outcome. You just never know. I can't let fear or the unknown stop me from going after what I want.

If life was about stability, then I wouldn't need faith.

(And in case you didn't know, this blog in a way has been all about me stepping out on faith. I am going after my writing career. You can call this step 1.)

Inevitable

I'm being pulled in a particular direction that I welcome, but I dread.
All these signs have appeared, and they tell me
that a commotion is near.
And since I like to face facts and take on my fears
I know that I'll have no choice but to
Roll with the punches
Persist through the strife
Subsist with the pressure
And grow, despite the struggle.

© 2007 Patricia B.

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Ugh. I'm in my fourth and final year of law school (four because I've attended part time - law school is usually three years) and I was just sitting here thinking about what that means: the bar exam is near!!!! Thoughts about that madness are what inspired the above poem. I had to let out the anxiety that just swept through me thinking about the bane of my Summer 2008. I can't wait until the last week of next July! (The bar exam is usually given during the 3rd week of July.)

My pain inspires so much of my writing.

In appreciation.

Since refocusing on my writing these past few months, I've learned just how necessary support from others is and will continue to be as I develop as a writer.

It took a bit of support and encouragement from others to even get back into the game. Back in February, after realizing that I actually went for years without penning a single verse, jumping back into writing that had nothing to do with the law was merely a thought. The more I thought about it, the more I kept finding inspiration and support - quite a few people nudged me here and there and by March I was focused. Months later I feel like I've actually grown a bit as a writer - and I see how crucial support has been to that growth. Before my writing hiatus it just never dawned on me that feedback on my work would ever be that important to me, I suppose because my writing comes mostly from my personal experience and observations. But then before my writing hiatus I wasn't ever focused on writing as a career. Having other perspectives helps because my work now has an audience of more than one - at the very least, it helps me keep that in mind.... The votes of confidence also have helped me at the times when I didn't feel so confident!

So yes, to those who support what I do, this is just to say thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the carpel tunnel that has developed in my hands and arms from all the writing I've been doing!

And speaking of support, I just want to show some support to some of the most talented of those who support me: Mr. Vilson (a man of many talents - an educator and a poet - and also the RainTiger Poetry Cafe's Spotlight Poet for the month for August! Yaaaaaaay!!!) and Mr. Baptiste (also a man of many talents, and aside from his own music he's one third of the trio Brooknology - a mix of fresh beats, intelligent rhymes, soulful spoken word AND Brooklyn! Incidentally, he was one of the first to nudge me towards my writing earlier this year.) Both are doing big things and are definitely destined for greatness.... and it means a lot to me that people of their talent respect what I do. Check them out!

That reminds me - a long time ago Jose shouted me out on his blog and tagged me to do The Fours... and since he asked so nicely, here I go:

Four jobs I’ve had

Secretary-to-Judge
Paralegal
Preceptor (Rutgers College's word for a Resident Assistant)
Cashier at Burger King

Four movies I can watch over and over
Coming to America
Hairspray (the 2007 version)
Friday
Shrek

Four places I’ve lived
Brooklyn, NY
Jersey City, NJ
Piscataway, NJ
In my mind (I'm a big time day dreamer)

Four TV shows I love
The Simpsons
South Park
The Cosby Show
Sex and The City

Four places I’ve vacationed
Jamaica, WI
London, UK
Miami, FL
Cozumel, Mexico

Four of my favorite dishes
Jerk chicken w/mac and cheese (from my jerk chicken spot only though!)
Oxtail w/rice and peas
Ackee and Saltfish (it's the Jamaican national dish for a reason)
Carrot cake and Cinnamon ice cream (does this count as a meal?)

Four sites I visit daily
Xanga
Yahoo News
Facebook
Gmail

Four places I would rather be right now
(frankly, nowhere but BROOKLYN, but …)
London, UK (my best friend is there and I haven't seen her in so long...)
Kingston, JA (only because of my family, otherwise I wouldn't - JA is a hot damn mess right now in the aftermath of Hurricane Dean.)
Silver Spring, MD (once again, b/c of family. Otherwise I don't know what the hell is out there!)
Asleep (where I will be in a few...)

Options.

I ask you to accept me as I am.
It may be hard to do this, for I’m not perfect,
And I’m nothing like what you conceived I’d be,
But I am here the way I was meant to be -
Molded in the form God made for me -
And I don’t see how I could be in your life
if you don’t accept the person I am.
I fully admit that I’m flawed:
My voice is loud -
My opinions are strong -
My resolve is stubborn and that just grates on your nerves.
My body isn’t perfect and I know you wish I was just a bit smaller.
My hair is kinky and curly and I know you wish I would just straighten it.
I tend to shop too much and
I tend to leave my bags all over the place -
And when I take off my jeans, I tend to leave them
Right I where I took them off until I’m ready to put them away.
I tend ignore other people’s opinions of me - including yours -
Especially when given unasked.
I’m ambitious and hardworking and busy
So I don't always have time for what you want from me.
I fully admit that these things, and more, make me difficult.
I know that when you first looked at me you couldn’t
have imagined that any of these things could be -
Some romanticized notion of the woman I would be
Held fast in your mind and I just haven’t lived up to your expectations.
I couldn’t, I wouldn’t and as far as I’m concerned, I shouldn’t
Have to match up to your ideal for me.
And now I ask you to accept me as I am
Because I’m through accepting your judgment and moments of rejection.
If you don’t accept me as I am
Losing me is your other option.
© 2007 Patricia B.

Miss Birch

Pardon my alliteration -
but I find it asinine
that assholes will try to
mentally assassinate those
merely on the ascent towards
the height of their aspirations,
with their acerbic tongues spitting
acidic soul-splitting thoughts.
And (as I shift to a more assonant verse)
I know that to be cursed while working
hard with a true purpose
hurts. But, for what it's worth
I get curt with these types
Who often end up quite hurt
For if you aim to drag my spirit through the dirt
you must first be prepared for
the caliber and the might of Miss Birch.
© 2007 Patricia B.

******
I think it's funny how this poem was actually inspired by my "10 Second Interview" application on Facebook, which had a question that said, "Pardon my_______."

This morning.

Woke up to the radio at 8:10.
"Shit - I'm supposed to leave at 8:15!"
(Clearly, that didn't happen.)
Thought about calling out for work today.
Commenced with the quickest shower in my life.
Pulled my curly-frizzy-dry 'fro in a ponytail holder.
Slapped on a headband to keep the short hairs in front from sticking out.
(It didn't work. It still is sticking up past the headband.)
Realized: My hair has grown.
Fumbled with my contacts.
Gave up on my contacts.
Found my glasses - on the floor.
(Why were my glasses on the floor?!)
White cardigan, lavender tank, black capris and black flats.
Ivory and mother of pearl/gold bangles.
Watch and two white gold rings.
Nose ring. Cubic zirconia studs in my ears.
Paused: how did I manage to rush and still look so cute?
I seriously took 20 minutes.
I seriously RAN out of my house - without my cell phone.
(Damnit!)
I pushed past my neighbor as I ran down the steps of the train station.
I loved her dress!
(She always looks so cute.)
I held the train door for her and some other people.
I stood the entire train ride.
Read: "If we ignore everything around us... we'll miss the coincidences
and synchronicities that signal where we are to go..."*
I moved towards the train door before I got to my stop.
MO: Be as close to the train door as possible before getting to Brooklyn Bridge.
I became aware of a girl whose face I recognized,
Who stared at me and looked at her friend - who I also recognized.
They chatted. She looked at me. The friend laughed.
I pretended to ignore it.
I had a moment of insecurity.
(What were they laughing at? My outfit? My glasses?
My hair? My size? What?)
Announced: "The time now is 9:07 AM"
I got to the office at 9:10.
No one was there to notice how late I was.
(Doesn't matter. I'm usually 10 minutes late.)
© 2007 Patricia B.

*Caroline Myss, "Invisible Acts of Power: Channeling Grace in Your Everyday Life."

In case you didn't know...

I'm a nerd
I'm a logophile
I'm a metaphor
I'm a mess
I'm a hot mess
I'm a hottie
I'm a hater
I'm a lover
I'm a loved one
I'm a friend
I'm a dream come true
I'm a beauty queen
I'm a pauper
I'm a knot of tension
I'm a de-stressor
I'm an itch
I'm a scratch
I'm a Jamaican
I'm a American
I'm a yankee pickney
I'm a noble's daughter
I'm an auntie
I'm an auntie-monster
I'm a sister
I'm a story
I'm an exposition
I'm an inscription
I'm a prescription
I'm a curative
I'm a curly 'fro
I'm a cutie
I'm an eye-sore
I'm an Isis
I'm a piece of work
I'm a work of peace
I'm a work in progress
I'm a jewel
I'm an outfit
I'm a pair of shoes
I'm an ensemble
I'm a medley
I'm a melody
I'm a song stuck in your mind
I'm a socioeconomic unit
I'm a student
I'm a studier
I'm a success
I'm a chick from the 'hood
I'm a fatty girl
I'm a pair of eyes
I'm a set of lips
I'm a pair of breasts
I'm a beating heart
I'm a twisted mind
I'm a brilliant soul
I'm an ingenue
I'm a procrastinator
I'm a motivator
I'm an inspiration
I'm an aspiration
I'm a climax
I'm an orgasm
I'm a release
I'm a relief
I'm a belief
I'm a hope
I'm a dream
I'm a voice
I'm a whisper
I'm a shout
I'm a reflection of He who sustains me.

Getting things done.

The horoscope:
Thursday, July 12th, 2007
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
You may be feeling pretty good about yourself and might even gloss over an important detail to maintain your current peace of mind. Unfortunately, you won't be able to hide your head in the sand too long. It's better to face a difficult truth directly than it is to try to dance your way around it.

So true. I have been feeling pretty good about myself but the fact of the matter is that I AM SLACKING, on like everything worthwhile.

Last night I planned on coming home and getting some stuff on my to-do list done but what did I do instead?
- Watched Rocky (SUCH A GREAT MOVIE! I forgot how good it was. And inspiring!)- Played around with GoodReads for a hot damn minute. (It's a great site if you're a bookworm...)
And then I fell asleep as I started doing what I should have been doing in the first place... ugh.

More importantly: 1) I have been slacking BIG TIME with the weight loss efforts these past few weeks and 2) my shopping habits have been out of control.

The problem, as I see it, is a lack of willpower and focus. Now people tell me all the time that I'm driven and focused yada yada yada - but I beg to differ. I'm often distracted - and actually work best when I'm doing multiple things at once. Focused I rarely am. So I believe this is why I am having TREMENDOUS difficulty when it comes to things that take a serious amount of focus, like reaching my health and financial goals, like finishing that damn story. UGH.

On the train this morning I read something that I think will be helpful (and might be helpful to you too):
We are born with a desire to fulfill our highest potential, purpose, or Sacred Contract, but we do have to develop the will to fulfill it. When we are off-track - usually when we are motivated more by fear and expedience than by courage and a vision of what we're meant to do - we become restless and disappointed. Often we need help getting out of such a rut and into the orbit of our highest potential.
pg. 28, Invisible Acts of Power - Channeling Grace in Your Everyday Life, Caroline Myss.

Lord knows that I am all about reaching my highest potential - about getting to my ne plus ultra. My desire to reach it is definitely there, but is the will? It doesn't really seem to be - at least lately. When it comes to my goals, especially the big ones of health and financial wellness, I am definitely more motivated by fear than anything else. I DON'T WANT TO STRUGGLE WITH MY HEALTH BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT. I DON'T WANT TO FOREVER BE TRAPPED IN DEBT. I am scared of diabetes, of high blood pressure, etc. I am scared that I'll forever be swimming in a financial crisis... it's definitely my fears that motivate me - not the visions I occasionally have of what it will be like to be healthier or what it would feel like to be financially independent.

My fear motivates me - but it's negative encouragement - so nothing else that I need is really being developed. The will I need to succeed is being weighed down by my negativity. I woke up this morning feeling so absolutely frustrated with myself (some of which I wrote about here). I needed to know what in the world was going on with me and reading those words today on the train really opened my mind to what's been happening, or not happening. I am so thankful for the words I read today on the train!

I already know better than to worry about reaching my goals. I already know that God provides all in due course. If you don't know, check Matthew 6:28-34. Clearly, this knowledge hasn't stopped me from worrying. I don't know if I'm ready yet. There's a lot to be done before I get anywhere near the success I see for myself. God is getting me ready. Reading that passage felt like a direct divine intervention. I called out for some insight in the morning and was compelled to re-read words that I read two days ago. The passage I excerpted comes from her chapter on the seven chakras and the composition of our spiritual anatomy - I read it and yesterday felt the need to re-read it again, so I started to but stopped at the description of Chakra Five: The Energy of Determination. It was right on time.

As Myss writes in the description of Chakra Six: The Energy of Rational Thought: "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." Apparently so.

How things can just change...

Recently I came across some old pictures of me in high school and college - and it reminded me of just how much I've changed these past seven years (since graduating from high school) - more mentally than physically (the hair is what's changed physically- and dramatically) and for the better. I'm just so much more self-assured and confident, much more positive - and as a result of all my stumbles, much more wise...

Thinking of the old me got me to thinking of the kind of crap the old me used to put up with from men... most importantly, The Ex (I have two ex boyfriends but really in my mind, there's The Ex, and then the other one... both significant, but the first one much more so). The Ex was and still is the most selfish person I have ever come across in my life and in so many ways - not just with the way he treated me. Just absolutely ridiculous... and when I think about how I endured a "relationship" with him and then a subsequent "friendship" for a few years later... man.

The poem in the previous post pretty much sums up how I felt about him during our relationship. I wanted to be his EVERYTHING - and only because I wanted him to be my EVERYTHING. I was wrapped up so deep and for the life of me, I don't really remember why. I mean, I was in love - but what was it about him that made me fall so deeply? My theory is that he reminded me of my father with his selfishness and I guess deep down I wanted a man like my father... I guess? But then, as selfish as my father was/is - The Ex even managed to surpass him. Pops definitely set a trend with the type of men I've dated... and when ending it with the other ex I realized that I had become really comfortable with really selfish men (and ended it because I was no longer comfortable damnit!). But The Ex? I don't know what it was... thinking about him inspired me to jot down a little something... when I was with him, I wanted to be his everything but Lord knows I couldn't. And I think that was best. He definitely didn't deserve that much from me.

I just sat and re-read the poem and remembered once again what that was like. Sometimes I wonder if I would ever really feel that way for someone again... Is it even reasonable to be everything someone needs? I know people sing and talk of "you're all I need to get by" and all that... but does love mean that the other person becomes a complete necessity?

Ha. As I wrote that question, I answered it.

You couldn't have known.

I have been suffering from serious writer's block these past two weeks. Ugh.

There's a short story I'm working on - started it maybe a month ago and finally made some really good progress on it and then WHAM! Blocked. Started some poems here and there and then WHAM! something comes up and I have to let them linger. Ugh.

It's interesting though because in the past two weeks I've been so busy living it up in the city: I've started a new fabulous internship - I've met/dated a man or two - I've swooned over at least one - I've got over both of them - I've shopped - I've scrimped - I've networked - I've partied - I've ate out. So I've been having fun. But something about solstices/equinoxes always makes me feel renewed - so it's fitting that on the summer solstice, I jump back into my writing efforts.

I guess living it up a little has now given me something to write about or at least a reason to write. I'm feeling inspired to write a little something based on/inspired by the Motherland - don't know what or how or when - but there will be something. The inspiration started with one of the guys I've met/dated/swooned/got over in the past two weeks - a highly intellectual man from Mali who does work involving issues on the continent and (of course) is very passionate about the work he does.

Ok. Maybe I haven't gotten over him. But I don't feel that oomph I initially felt for him anymore. Whatever. That's a whole 'nother story.

Another source of the inspiration is the latest issue of Vanity Fair:

(Edit: There once was a picture of Iman and Alicia Keys here. A lovely photo.)

Isn't that picture of Iman GORGEOUS? She's one of my fashion icons (the others are Phylicia Rashad as Clair Huxtable, Dorothy Dandridge as Carmen Jones, and Janie from "Their Eyes Were Watching God"). To me, Iman personifies elegance. But I digress.

I love that cover but I didn't buy the magazine with her on it. I bought it - I felt I had to buy it - when I saw this:



That's right. Good ol' GW, Condi and the word "AFRICA" across the bottom is why I bought it. I don't read VF that often but I wanted to see what VF was trying to say putting THEM on a cover of their magazine! Quiet as it's sort-of kept, GW and Condi have done a bit to help efforts in the Motherland, which is interesting to me considering that GW actually called Africa a country once (True story. This was way back tho - very early in his first term). There's PEPFAR (the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief)- which is great. And aid to Sub-Saharan Africa has increased since he's become President. I'm sort of skeptical of the editor's decision to put them on the cover - but I guess you really can't knock their efforts, so why not big them up? There are 20 of these covers total. (Check them out on VF's website. The series is pretty cool).

The overwhelming majority of the issue is dedicated to issues pervading the continent. It's a great issue - has me considering a subscription to the magazine - and has me thinking about my heritage.

Ok, so a bit more about your humble blogger:

I was born and raised in Brooklyn, NY but my family (both parents) are from Jamaica. My mother's mother was born in Cuba and my mother's father is from lord knows where, but apparently is/was mixed with Chinese. My mother never knew her father. My father's parents were both Jamaican but at least one, if not both, are of East Indian descent. I say at least one because I KNOW based on my grandmother's maiden name that she's Indian. My grandfather's last name - which is my last name - is as British as it gets. The last name thing doesn't mean anything though - there are plenty of Indians with Anglophone last names. My mother (who never met my grandfather) always said that my grandfather was black - but I have heard otherwise - and looking at my father and his whole siblings you wouldn't know that they were anything but Indian (he does have a half-sister that's pretty dark skinned though. Who knows.) And if you saw my face, you'd know I have a lot of East Indian in me too.

Appearances aside, it's pretty hard to deny that I come from a melange of ethnic/racial groups - I just am unclear as to who came to what country when, from what tribe/clan they came from - and so forth. How did it all come together to create me?

To anyone reading this who is unfamiliar with the history of the West Indies: please don't perceive my background as that unique. It's not. There are plenty of people of Black/Indian/Cuban/Chinese/Other descent running around the Caribbean, particularly in the British West Indies. One of the best things to come from European imperialism is the fusion of ethnicities that resulted in the West Indies. You can taste it in our food, feel it in our music, hear it in our dialects, and see it in our beautiful faces.

So in case you didn't know: I am one the greatest results of European imperialism.

Ooooh!!! I'm inspired! Off to write.

#1

To be real, I don't have a clue where I want to go with this blog. I already have another blog where I write about the randomness that is my life so it's not likely I'm gonna have two blogs like that. However I am looking for somewhere to just jot down my writing ideas, some pieces I'm working on, etc. So this might be where all that goes. Who knows?

I also have a passion for fashion - I dont tend to talk about that too much in my other blog, so that might just go here too.

A brief overview of your humble blogger: I'm a law student, about to start my fourth (and final!!) year. I love to read and write and do anything that involves words really - I'm a big time logophile. I sort of put my writing to the side when I started law school but have recently delved back into writing and am currently working on developing my skill. As previously mentioned, I love fashion - and bargain hunting. I loves me a cheap store that carries designer wares (e.g. Target, Payless). I also love music - and btw a part of what even brings me to Blogger are all the great music blogs on this site (which I guess I'll link eventually).

Here's a piece of mine that I like:

Men!

I love men.
I love a man with big broad shoulders and strong arms-
I love a man with not-so-broad shoulders and not-so-strong arms but can still knock this broad off her feet - no problem-
I love a man with confidence-
I love a man with insecurities-
I love a man confident enough to show his insecurities-
I love to make a man feel good in the ways only a man can feel good-
I love to make a man feel good in the ways anybody can feel good-
I love making love to a man -
I love f*cking a man -
I love the differences between me and a man:
I love how the differences frustrate me
I love how the differences excite me
I love how the differences feel to me - they fulfill me .
I love when a man makes me feel good-
I love when I have to show a man how to make me feel good - and he doesn't mind-
I love when a man shares their mind with me-
I love when a man shares their soul with me - their spirit with me-
I love when a man shares their body with me - short or tall, big or small
I love a man with bright eyes and full lips-
I love a man with piercing eyes and small lips-
I love a man who loves to take me by the hips and kiss me-
I love a man who knows how to kiss me-
I love a man who pays attention and never misses the important days-
I love a man who is consistently wonderful - Sunday to Saturday -
I love a man who isn't afraid to go after what they want-
I love a man who takes risks-
I love a man who knows when not be risky-
I love a man who uplifts me-
I love a man who teaches me-
I love a man who challenges to the point it drives me crazy-
I love a man who forces me to grow-
I love a man who makes me want to grow-
I love a man who loves to learn-
I love a man who handles his business and is not concerned about how much I earn-
I love a man who respects me-
I love a man who treats me like royalty-
I love a man who only deserves the royal treatment-
I love a man who I can trust with my secrets-
I love a man who can understands when I just can't deal-
I love a man who, with a word or a touch or a kiss - can heal...
I love a man who speaks, touches and kisses me sincerely-
I just love men... so dearly...

© 2007 Patricia B.

More to come...