How things can just change...

Recently I came across some old pictures of me in high school and college - and it reminded me of just how much I've changed these past seven years (since graduating from high school) - more mentally than physically (the hair is what's changed physically- and dramatically) and for the better. I'm just so much more self-assured and confident, much more positive - and as a result of all my stumbles, much more wise...

Thinking of the old me got me to thinking of the kind of crap the old me used to put up with from men... most importantly, The Ex (I have two ex boyfriends but really in my mind, there's The Ex, and then the other one... both significant, but the first one much more so). The Ex was and still is the most selfish person I have ever come across in my life and in so many ways - not just with the way he treated me. Just absolutely ridiculous... and when I think about how I endured a "relationship" with him and then a subsequent "friendship" for a few years later... man.

The poem in the previous post pretty much sums up how I felt about him during our relationship. I wanted to be his EVERYTHING - and only because I wanted him to be my EVERYTHING. I was wrapped up so deep and for the life of me, I don't really remember why. I mean, I was in love - but what was it about him that made me fall so deeply? My theory is that he reminded me of my father with his selfishness and I guess deep down I wanted a man like my father... I guess? But then, as selfish as my father was/is - The Ex even managed to surpass him. Pops definitely set a trend with the type of men I've dated... and when ending it with the other ex I realized that I had become really comfortable with really selfish men (and ended it because I was no longer comfortable damnit!). But The Ex? I don't know what it was... thinking about him inspired me to jot down a little something... when I was with him, I wanted to be his everything but Lord knows I couldn't. And I think that was best. He definitely didn't deserve that much from me.

I just sat and re-read the poem and remembered once again what that was like. Sometimes I wonder if I would ever really feel that way for someone again... Is it even reasonable to be everything someone needs? I know people sing and talk of "you're all I need to get by" and all that... but does love mean that the other person becomes a complete necessity?

Ha. As I wrote that question, I answered it.

Necessity

I have a dream to be all he needs.
A prospect which sometimes seems a fantasy.
Even though when we speak the idea of me
Being the embodiment of his necessity
Is not some far flung wish but much
Closer to reality -
Especially when he takes the time
To share his dreams with me.

© 2007 Patricia B.

Icicle

The thought of approaching you makes my blood run cold. And I don't know why, because usually I have no problem being bold - I go for what I want and clearly I want you. But I think it's a result of what I've been told - that men are scared away and won't have much to say when a woman takes initiative and makes the first move - waiting for you to speak is what a lady should do. But since when did I care for propriety? Why should I wait for you to approach me? Why take that chance when there's more of a guarantee of you speaking to me if I say something first?

While all that's true, I still feel like an icicle when you pass my way. Now how hard could it be to just say "hey I've seen you around and I really love your smile I think your eyes are beautiful I really dig your style - where do you shop?" Hmmm. Maybe I should just hop on over the next time I see you in that same place - but will those words come out of my mouth when I gaze on your face? Oh how I love to gaze at you - strong nosed, full lipped, bright brown eyed, chocolate dipped but still you manage a ruddy glow - expressive with your eyes and a smile that forms slow and evokes peace - and makes me want take a piece of you wherever I go.

Now here you come, walking into my purview. If only I could say a quick "how do you do" - but I don't. And I won't - I just watch as you sit in your familiar spot and chat with the guys with whom you always chat - and its funny because as hot as you are, I freeze at your sight and I realize now that it might be obvious that I'm watching you. One of your boys is giving me the eye really hard - and now I just want to fly when I see your friend walk up and say "Hi. I've seen you around - and you're just so pretty - I wanted to meet you. I'm Sam." What the bloody hell?

And then I see you looking in our direction as I melt.

Damn!

© 2007 Patricia B.