Friday, July 20, 2007

Miss Birch

Pardon my alliteration -
but I find it asinine
that assholes will try to
mentally assassinate those
merely on the ascent towards
the height of their aspirations,
with their acerbic tongues spitting
acidic soul-splitting thoughts.
And (as I shift to a more assonant verse)
I know that to be cursed while working
hard with a true purpose
hurts. But, for what it's worth
I get curt with these types
Who often end up quite hurt
For if you aim to drag my spirit through the dirt
you must first be prepared for
the caliber and the might of Miss Birch.
© 2007 Patricia B.

I think it's funny how this poem was actually inspired by my "10 Second Interview" application on Facebook, which had a question that said, "Pardon my_______."

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

This morning.

Woke up to the radio at 8:10.
"Shit - I'm supposed to leave at 8:15!"
(Clearly, that didn't happen.)
Thought about calling out for work today.
Commenced with the quickest shower in my life.
Pulled my curly-frizzy-dry 'fro in a ponytail holder.
Slapped on a headband to keep the short hairs in front from sticking out.
(It didn't work. It still is sticking up past the headband.)
Realized: My hair has grown.
Fumbled with my contacts.
Gave up on my contacts.
Found my glasses - on the floor.
(Why were my glasses on the floor?!)
White cardigan, lavender tank, black capris and black flats.
Ivory and mother of pearl/gold bangles.
Watch and two white gold rings.
Nose ring. Cubic zirconia studs in my ears.
Paused: how did I manage to rush and still look so cute?
I seriously took 20 minutes.
I seriously RAN out of my house - without my cell phone.
I pushed past my neighbor as I ran down the steps of the train station.
I loved her dress!
(She always looks so cute.)
I held the train door for her and some other people.
I stood the entire train ride.
Read: "If we ignore everything around us... we'll miss the coincidences
and synchronicities that signal where we are to go..."*
I moved towards the train door before I got to my stop.
MO: Be as close to the train door as possible before getting to Brooklyn Bridge.
I became aware of a girl whose face I recognized,
Who stared at me and looked at her friend - who I also recognized.
They chatted. She looked at me. The friend laughed.
I pretended to ignore it.
I had a moment of insecurity.
(What were they laughing at? My outfit? My glasses?
My hair? My size? What?)
Announced: "The time now is 9:07 AM"
I got to the office at 9:10.
No one was there to notice how late I was.
(Doesn't matter. I'm usually 10 minutes late.)
© 2007 Patricia B.

*Caroline Myss, "Invisible Acts of Power: Channeling Grace in Your Everyday Life."

Monday, July 16, 2007

In case you didn't know...

I'm a nerd
I'm a logophile
I'm a metaphor
I'm a mess
I'm a hot mess
I'm a hottie
I'm a hater
I'm a lover
I'm a loved one
I'm a friend
I'm a dream come true
I'm a beauty queen
I'm a pauper
I'm a knot of tension
I'm a de-stressor
I'm an itch
I'm a scratch
I'm a Jamaican
I'm a American
I'm a yankee pickney
I'm a noble's daughter
I'm an auntie
I'm an auntie-monster
I'm a sister
I'm a story
I'm an exposition
I'm an inscription
I'm a prescription
I'm a curative
I'm a curly 'fro
I'm a cutie
I'm an eye-sore
I'm an Isis
I'm a piece of work
I'm a work of peace
I'm a work in progress
I'm a jewel
I'm an outfit
I'm a pair of shoes
I'm an ensemble
I'm a medley
I'm a melody
I'm a song stuck in your mind
I'm a socioeconomic unit
I'm a student
I'm a studier
I'm a success
I'm a chick from the 'hood
I'm a fatty girl
I'm a pair of eyes
I'm a set of lips
I'm a pair of breasts
I'm a beating heart
I'm a twisted mind
I'm a brilliant soul
I'm an ingenue
I'm a procrastinator
I'm a motivator
I'm an inspiration
I'm an aspiration
I'm a climax
I'm an orgasm
I'm a release
I'm a relief
I'm a belief
I'm a hope
I'm a dream
I'm a voice
I'm a whisper
I'm a shout
I'm a reflection of He who sustains me.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Getting things done.

The horoscope:
Thursday, July 12th, 2007
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
You may be feeling pretty good about yourself and might even gloss over an important detail to maintain your current peace of mind. Unfortunately, you won't be able to hide your head in the sand too long. It's better to face a difficult truth directly than it is to try to dance your way around it.

So true. I have been feeling pretty good about myself but the fact of the matter is that I AM SLACKING, on like everything worthwhile.

Last night I planned on coming home and getting some stuff on my to-do list done but what did I do instead?
- Watched Rocky (SUCH A GREAT MOVIE! I forgot how good it was. And inspiring!)- Played around with GoodReads for a hot damn minute. (It's a great site if you're a bookworm...)
And then I fell asleep as I started doing what I should have been doing in the first place... ugh.

More importantly: 1) I have been slacking BIG TIME with the weight loss efforts these past few weeks and 2) my shopping habits have been out of control.

The problem, as I see it, is a lack of willpower and focus. Now people tell me all the time that I'm driven and focused yada yada yada - but I beg to differ. I'm often distracted - and actually work best when I'm doing multiple things at once. Focused I rarely am. So I believe this is why I am having TREMENDOUS difficulty when it comes to things that take a serious amount of focus, like reaching my health and financial goals, like finishing that damn story. UGH.

On the train this morning I read something that I think will be helpful (and might be helpful to you too):
We are born with a desire to fulfill our highest potential, purpose, or Sacred Contract, but we do have to develop the will to fulfill it. When we are off-track - usually when we are motivated more by fear and expedience than by courage and a vision of what we're meant to do - we become restless and disappointed. Often we need help getting out of such a rut and into the orbit of our highest potential.
pg. 28, Invisible Acts of Power - Channeling Grace in Your Everyday Life, Caroline Myss.

Lord knows that I am all about reaching my highest potential - about getting to my ne plus ultra. My desire to reach it is definitely there, but is the will? It doesn't really seem to be - at least lately. When it comes to my goals, especially the big ones of health and financial wellness, I am definitely more motivated by fear than anything else. I DON'T WANT TO STRUGGLE WITH MY HEALTH BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT. I DON'T WANT TO FOREVER BE TRAPPED IN DEBT. I am scared of diabetes, of high blood pressure, etc. I am scared that I'll forever be swimming in a financial crisis... it's definitely my fears that motivate me - not the visions I occasionally have of what it will be like to be healthier or what it would feel like to be financially independent.

My fear motivates me - but it's negative encouragement - so nothing else that I need is really being developed. The will I need to succeed is being weighed down by my negativity. I woke up this morning feeling so absolutely frustrated with myself (some of which I wrote about here). I needed to know what in the world was going on with me and reading those words today on the train really opened my mind to what's been happening, or not happening. I am so thankful for the words I read today on the train!

I already know better than to worry about reaching my goals. I already know that God provides all in due course. If you don't know, check Matthew 6:28-34. Clearly, this knowledge hasn't stopped me from worrying. I don't know if I'm ready yet. There's a lot to be done before I get anywhere near the success I see for myself. God is getting me ready. Reading that passage felt like a direct divine intervention. I called out for some insight in the morning and was compelled to re-read words that I read two days ago. The passage I excerpted comes from her chapter on the seven chakras and the composition of our spiritual anatomy - I read it and yesterday felt the need to re-read it again, so I started to but stopped at the description of Chakra Five: The Energy of Determination. It was right on time.

As Myss writes in the description of Chakra Six: The Energy of Rational Thought: "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." Apparently so.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

How things can just change...

Recently I came across some old pictures of me in high school and college - and it reminded me of just how much I've changed these past seven years (since graduating from high school) - more mentally than physically (the hair is what's changed physically- and dramatically) and for the better. I'm just so much more self-assured and confident, much more positive - and as a result of all my stumbles, much more wise...

Thinking of the old me got me to thinking of the kind of crap the old me used to put up with from men... most importantly, The Ex (I have two ex boyfriends but really in my mind, there's The Ex, and then the other one... both significant, but the first one much more so). The Ex was and still is the most selfish person I have ever come across in my life and in so many ways - not just with the way he treated me. Just absolutely ridiculous... and when I think about how I endured a "relationship" with him and then a subsequent "friendship" for a few years later... man.

The poem in the previous post pretty much sums up how I felt about him during our relationship. I wanted to be his EVERYTHING - and only because I wanted him to be my EVERYTHING. I was wrapped up so deep and for the life of me, I don't really remember why. I mean, I was in love - but what was it about him that made me fall so deeply? My theory is that he reminded me of my father with his selfishness and I guess deep down I wanted a man like my father... I guess? But then, as selfish as my father was/is - The Ex even managed to surpass him. Pops definitely set a trend with the type of men I've dated... and when ending it with the other ex I realized that I had become really comfortable with really selfish men (and ended it because I was no longer comfortable damnit!). But The Ex? I don't know what it was... thinking about him inspired me to jot down a little something... when I was with him, I wanted to be his everything but Lord knows I couldn't. And I think that was best. He definitely didn't deserve that much from me.

I just sat and re-read the poem and remembered once again what that was like. Sometimes I wonder if I would ever really feel that way for someone again... Is it even reasonable to be everything someone needs? I know people sing and talk of "you're all I need to get by" and all that... but does love mean that the other person becomes a complete necessity?

Ha. As I wrote that question, I answered it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


I have a dream to be all he needs.
A prospect which sometimes seems a fantasy.
Even though when we speak the idea of me
Being the embodiment of his necessity
Is not some far flung wish but much
Closer to reality -
Especially when he takes the time
To share his dreams with me.

© 2007 Patricia B.