Transitioning

Change is inevitable. As such, the way I view my literary pursuit has changed and as a result - I won't be writing in this blog anymore. I'll still be writing, and if you want to keep up, please visit my new blog: Tricianess. My intent is for the blog to be conceptual combo of this blog and Tricia says so if you've enjoyed reading this blog, you might enjoy what you find on my new venture. Read the first post here. And thank you for reading!

Men!

I love men.
I love a man with big broad shoulders and strong arms-
I love a man with not-so-broad shoulders and not-so-strong arms but can still knock this broad off her feet - no problem-
I love a man with confidence-
I love a man with insecurities-
I love a man confident enough to show his insecurities-
I love to make a man feel good in the ways only a man can feel good-
I love to make a man feel good in the ways anybody can feel good-
I love making love to a man -
I love f*cking a man -
I love the differences between me and a man:
I love how the differences frustrate me
I love how the differences excite me
I love how the differences feel to me - they fulfill me .
I love when a man makes me feel good-
I love when I have to show a man how to make me feel good - and he doesn't mind-
I love when a man shares their mind with me-
I love when a man shares their soul with me - their spirit with me-
I love when a man shares their body with me - short or tall, big or small
I love a man with bright eyes and full lips-
I love a man with piercing eyes and small lips-
I love a man who loves to take me by the hips and kiss me-
I love a man who knows how to kiss me-
I love a man who pays attention and never misses the important days-
I love a man who is consistently wonderful - Sunday to Saturday -
I love a man who isn't afraid to go after what they want-
I love a man who takes risks-
I love a man who knows when not be risky-
I love a man who uplifts me-
I love a man who teaches me-
I love a man who challenges to the point it drives me crazy-
I love a man who forces me to grow-
I love a man who makes me want to grow-
I love a man who loves to learn-
I love a man who handles his business and is not concerned about how much I earn-
I love a man who respects me-
I love a man who treats me like royalty-
I love a man who only deserves the royal treatment-
I love a man who I can trust with my secrets-
I love a man who can understands when I just can't deal-
I love a man who, with a word or a touch or a kiss - can heal...
I love a man who speaks, touches and kisses me sincerely-
I just love men... so dearly...

© 2007 Patricia B.

---

So I wrote this poem over a year ago - originally posted in my very first post. I was thinking today about how much I really do enjoy men - and came across a number of cuties as I went out and about my business (especially this one light-skinned hazel-eyed fella I eye-flirted with while trying to get on the crowded 2 train. Beautiful!) Thinking about all that male beauty and watching the youTube clip on Common's blog of him dancing to a remix to Universal Mind Control (he is so yummy!) I just felt inspired to re-read and re-post this one.

Shout out to my future husband. I will be so good to you!

the sweet goodness of my life:

it's syrupy sweet
my footsteps sticky as I walk down the street
because it drips from my pores
pouring from my soul
in abundance
because the abundance
of goodness of my life
its a marvel that I even feel any strife
for my spirit buzzes like a honeybee's hive
for the glory and the magic that it is to be alive
and to walk in this life with my steps bound and
slowed down by syrupy love
in a hail of candied joy
showering down from Above.

---
I had the most intense prayer - and this is what resulted. Crazy. But for a reason.

Just A Thought (On Talent)

Talent is not so much about your God given ability
More so about your drive,
and having the opportunity
To put your gift to good use -
Your willingness to work hard
And follow through,
And the strength of your belief
That changing the world with your talent
Is what you were put here to do.

© 2008 Patricia B.

---

Ever since Friday the 14th, at about 530 in the evening, I've been thinking about just what I was put here to do. You see - I failed the bar exam in July - and at the moment I found out I failed, I questioned my decision to take it in the first place and the decision I made back in college to start the journey towards becoming an attorney. I love to write - I live to write and as of late, I write to live. I love words. And I am passionate about helping people and "changing the world." All of that doesn't necessarily mean I need to be an attorney - but it sure helps. I questioned my decision the moment I found out my result but then I shut that question down - I just don't believe, I KNOW what I was meant to do and I also know that my impact on the world won't be dealt with a singular blow.

So I'm taking the bar exam in February. I deemed today to be the day I'd really head into my studies with full force - but it didn't happen. I bought a new handbag from Daffy's and contemplated my talents, and my drive, and my need for success.

Here's the quote that helped me start my day and will be on my mind as I focus on studying tomorrow:

The only thing that separates successful people from the ones who aren't is the willingness to work very, very hard.
-- Helen Gurley Brown

The Fire Inside

Burn brightly if in the midst of the cold dark night.
The light source you'll ever need is within you -
Being constantly renewed
By your life source
And your life's force is driven forth
By your internal illumination.
But many of us choose not to guide our paths with this light.
We think it best not to shine bright
But to glimmer, if at all, dimly
And to seek the radiance that abounds from another.
Lamely, many of us ignore our luminance potential
And some of us are taught that we don't shine at all
And learn to ignore the spark we might feel on occasion.
But luminescence resides in us all, with the power
To brighten the entire world with its resonance.
It's why you'll often find that one man can lead a great nation -
He has allowed his light to shine
And pierce through the darkness that seeks to snuff out his inner flame
And brighten the eyesight of those in the shadows
And to bring the fire to spark the flameless wicks of others.
If one man can illuminate a nation with his singular radiance
Imagine the combined power of our light multiplied!
The cold dark nights would still come, as they may
But your force won't be frozen
Your sight wont be blinded
If you tap into the fire inside
And shine.

© 2008 Patricia B.

---
I wrote this on October 30 - one week ago, when I and everyone else was merely hopeful about the results of the election. I'm so very very glad that the poem fits the outcome and I hope it fits the future of our country.

My Originality:

We were each uniquely made, fearfully and wonderfully by the Creator.
We each have a unique set of talents and gifts provided by God,
With our own unique physical structure
Which include a pair of unique feet
With which we walk on our own unique paths.
In our uniqueness we are the same:
We all have something that makes us distinct somehow
But what makes me an original are not my distinguishable features
But my ability to recognize just what makes me distinct,
My love for my individual character and
My respect and admiration for the diversity of others.


---

So I was reading the great Afrobella's blog just now and saw she and a company called Ododo Originals are doing a giveaway for this fabulous hair clip. Isn't it pretty? I love the color and (what appears to be) beading. It's lovely - and of the wide variety of colors available in this hair clip, this "Morning, Sunshine" and "Imperial" are my favorites!

So for the giveaway, they asked Afrobella readers to submit an answer in some form to the question "What makes you an original?" The above was my response. I don't know if it'll be a winner but I like it.

It's an interesting question. What makes someone an original? In thinking about my response and looking at all the other answers - most of which included something about responder's lovely natural hair, interestingly enough - I was reminded of a pretty obvious yet I think largely overlooked truth: everyone's an individual. We all have a number of things about ourselves that make us stand out - whether readily perceptible or not. So in the most basic sense of originality, we're all originals - and thus the question of what exactly makes one an original isn't an easy one to answer genuinely - at least for me. I could have talked about my lovely natural hair or my beautiful brown skin, big eyes, full lips, large love to learn mind, my writing ability, and a host of other things - but when I consider the things that may make some think of me as "different" (depending on the context and the circumstances I'm in) I realize that there are SO MANY OTHERS that have pretty much the same things going on. They might not have as much - or they may have more - or they have it all but they use it differently - but they have it. What I have is special not simply because it was specially given to me - but because I recognize it, I love it, and it's not threatened and undermined by whatever else other people have going on.

Here's another post of mine on individuality - as related to weight loss. Enjoy!


---

True originality consists not in a new manner but in a new vision.
Edith Wharton

Sweet murder (stream of consciousness)

They call her black like the night although her eyes shine bright like sun-rays she scorches whatever gets caught in her gaze and how she blazes her victims is amazing and with her power and skill she kills this murderess fetid with sin with a stench like cinnamon sweet spicy and strong and you'd want to hold on she tends to drag them along with honey coated words sticky sweet and spicy she'll melt your frost if you're icy and if you're lucky you might just end up stuck in her darkness though she's a source of sweet light if your vision is right all she will do is simmer and glow and if you see it you'll know that by her sweet murder she's brought you new life.


© 2008 Patricia B.

---
I don't know if that even makes any actual sense. So it goes when I'm free-writing. I like it.

Dear Employer

I'm talented.
And I'm fabulous,
And I'm looking -
And that's all I should have to say.
But since it's not -
And since there's this cover letter protocol
To which I must adhere
I'm gonna explain to you why
What you need is right here.

I'm talented. And by that I mean
I was endowed with the power
To create and to make things happen
With my knowledge and my skill
with my prowess with words
with my ability to listen
With my capacity to learn.
And with my abilities and capacities
I don't simply exist
But I excel.
I also speak well -
And I learn quickly.
There aren't too many who are as talent-equipped
As me.

I'm fabulous. And by that I mean
I'm a pleasure to be around -
And though my personality may not astound you
(Depends on your preference)
You might find yourself amazed
by my grace and my glide
And how I take things in stride
And my ability to open my mind wide
to other's ideas and suggestions -
And I can work independently
Without the need for much direction.
There aren't too many who be as great to work with
As me.

I'm also looking. And by that I mean
That yes, I'm looking for a job and
Yes, I'm looking to work for you and
Yes, I think working for you would be a great contribution
to my experience
to my skills
to my bills
(to my financial situation in general).
And I'm looking for something I can contribute to,
Looking for something that will help me grow
And I'm looking for a reason to not look anymore.

So dear employer,
I've read your job description
And you want someone who sounds like me.
I'm right here -
And I've submitted this application
So let's make things simple:
Bring me in for an interview,
Learn about my greatness,
And then hire me.

Sincerely,
Me.


© 2008 Patricia B.

---

Everything I wish I could really write in a cover letter. Sigh. Job hunting is rough.

I can't believe it's been over two months since I've written anything creatively. I came up with this as I helped my friend with a cover letter for a position. I was telling her earlier tonight how I haven't written anything creative in so long - and then I started to help her with her letter - and then POOF - inspiration came. I don't even know if this is good, but it is good to get the creative juices going.

From one pedestrian to another.

It began as a matter of happenstance:
You walked in my direction
And I saw you glance at my frame
as you passed my way,
to cross the at the intersection of Chemistry and Missed Chance.
But the Don't Walk (away from her) sign flashed
and you dashed back
to find me on the corner of Love and Circumstance.
I saw you approach as the intersection's light flashed white
The streets were clear for us to cross the corner
And I'm glad for the turn we took thereafter.

© 2008 Patricia B.

---

Things for me to do when on a study break from the bar exam:
1. Have a really good meal with a good friend and his friend
2. Watch my favorite movie
3. Write a poem inspired by a line that pops into my head while studying the answers to Contracts MBE questions

(But I probably shouldn't do them all in the same day...)

Whatever. I'm going to bed.

I'm so over the bar exam!

Lacking the words.

The way you make me feel defies the English language.
I'm not in love with you, yet, I find to say "I like you"
greatly understates just how I feel.
Emotions and feelings are not neat and tidy things I guess
and thus probably shouldn't fit so neatly into categories -
And so I can't be surprised to find that
My vocabulary is lacking and dictionaries have been no help.
Great writers - greater than I - have written on emotion
and they too, I've found, haven't found the words that
quite capture the quality of emotion that I feel for you.
Maybe it's because you and I, unique beings we are,
have managed to have a connection that has followed suit.
A unique situation has lead to a common problem however -
Because I know I'm not the first and I won't be the last -
To hold on to my feelings for way too long,
But it's simply because I can't find the words.

(Ok, so maybe it's not that simple.)

© 2008 Patricia B.

---

So here's the thing about my life at this present moment:
1- I haven't written anything decent in months and I've been feeling the effects of that.
2- My life has been COMPLETELY overtaken by the bar exam! It's like a completely overbearing and demanding boyfriend/husband/child - it needs constant attention - it's somewhat abusive and it's definitely controlling.

I was talking to a friend recently about ambition and she told me about an interview she saw with Madonna once. Apparently, when the interviewer asked Madonna about ambition, her response was something to the effect of "If not doing it wouldn't make you die - then don't do it."

Since my convo with my friend I've been thinking about my goals - especially in light of what I'm currently undertaking - and I know that while doing everything it will take for me to be a licensed attorney is what's right for me according to the Madonna standard - writing is just as right. And I've missed it - hence the above poem which I had the urge to jot down as I woke up this morning. There are some things that have to be said - some words that just need to be written down - for better or for worse.

Love is...

As a part of National Poetry Month festivities, I'm using my blog to participate in the first national Poem In Your Pocket Day. The point is for the participants to share their favorite poems - preferably a pocket sized one. I love poetry and I love sharing things that I love - so I'm gonna share two of my favorites with you (though admittedly one is not as pocket sized as the other).

What Love Is Like

Love is like
a pineapple,
sweet and
undefinable.

- Piet Hein

--

Coal

I
is the total black, being spoken
from the earth's inside.
There are many kinds of open
how a diamond comes into a knot of flame
how sound comes into a words, coloured
by who pays what for speaking.

Some words are open like a diamond
on glass windows
singing out within the crash of sun
Then there are words like stapled wagers
in a perforated book - buy and sign and tear apart -
and come whatever will all chances
the stub remains
an ill-pulled tooth with a ragged edge.
Some words live in my throat
breeding like adders. Other know sun
seeking like gypsies over my tongue
to explode through my lips
like young sparrows bursting from shell.
Some words
bedevil me

Love is word, another kind of open.
As the diamond comes into a knot of flame
I am Black because I come from the earth's inside
Now take my word for jewel in the open light.

- Audre Lorde


What do you think it says about me that two of my favorite poems just happen to be about love? Would you say that these poems are speaking about the same sort of love?

(Things like this make me miss being an English major - and make me wonder why I'm in law school.)

Our Conversation.

So she came to me saying that she didn't know what to do about it.
From that, we had this conversation. I wasn't sure
if she was looking for me to tell her what to do about it.
After awhile though, I found that she lied
(though maybe, not intentionally).
She knew exactly what to do,
she just didn't want to do it.
I guess she thought talking to me would help her find an alternative -
or maybe she just needed someone to listen to her problem
(actually that's pretty likely).
And I don't mind that - but as of late, I find
that I actually do mind when others
seek a solution when they are a step away from solving -
have the answer in the grasp, recognize it as such
but put it to the side, and look for something else
and only because the answer may provide some discomfort.
Behaving in that way is a slice of nonsense to me
because the problem, if it persists, will likely feel worse.
So after awhile I didn't comment - I asked a few questions
not really for my insight but to help her find her own.
Maybe she didn't need that
(I can't always know what others need)
but I know that she needed
to step boldly - actually not even so boldly -
but just step towards what she knew was the solution
which I am almost certain she just won't do
(at least not as a result of our conversation).

© 2008 Patricia B.

A Witness.

She sat silently on the train just like everyone else.
Probably on her way to work, just like everyone else.
Dark haired, dark eyed, dark skinned and dark clothed-
Like she lived her life in the absence of light.
She arose, looked around at her fellow commuters, and spoke.

If you don't know Jesus as your Lord and Savior
You need to get to know Him today.
I'm here to tell you this morning that the Lord saves.
And because we are living in our last days
You need to know about how and why He is great.
He provides, he heals in a way no one person can do
He took me from strife, and healed my body - my life -
Saved me from AIDS - I said, full blown AIDS
When doctors said no more can be done.
When those who "knew" didn't know what to do
I got to know Him and He held me through!
His knowledge surpasses all human understanding
He is why you are here - He saved me
And has saved you in ways you don't even know.
You can't even see all that He is doing for you,
but He does what He does - He made you, He loves you
And all you have to do is get to know Him -
Get to know why He is so good!
He saved me - preserved my life - kept me here
to testify to you - to be a witness for you.
There's nothing greater in this world
Than knowledge of the Lord and His love!

As she spoke, a few commuters nodded - I suppose in agreement.
Other commuters acted as if she wasn't there.
As I listened I wondered just how
Someone who appeared so dark
came to know, to speak and to live in the Light.
© 2008 Patricia B.

---
What I wrote is a paraphrase of this woman's testimony, to which I was held captive with everyone else in the car this morning as I ran late to work. Train-ride evangelism is a common phenomenon in NYC subways - this morning wasn't the first time I was held captive to what someone had to say about God. This morning's testimony just was different to me. For one: she wasn't judgmental. Usually the people testifying are telling their captive audience that they are damned if they don't know God. Rarely do they share something about themselves to show just how God has worked in their lives - but even when they do - they tell their audience usually, if they don't know God, hell awaits them. She made absolutely no mention of being damned or doomed - she was just putting her faith out there. For two: her energy and her words shone so brightly - especially in comparison to her appearance. She was dressed in a hell of a lot of black and dark blue, but the woman, when she spoke, was pure radiance. It was like looking at a bright light shining out of a dark space. Lovely.

As I listened to her, I thought about the contrast between her appearance and her energy, and also thought "Wow, I have to write about this somehow and somewhere." And then I transferred from the 2 (the local) to the 4 (the express) at Franklin Ave. I didn't notice that she transferred with me, and after I sat down I heard the same words being said again. And then again, right before I got off the train. Regardless of what you may think of her beliefs, or this poem - it was meant to be written!

Oh, Happy National Poetry Month!

A Letter to My Body

So I came across this challenge on BlogHer and thought it'd be fun, and possibly therapeutic. Turns out, I was right.

---

Dear Body,

I'm so, so sorry for the things that I've put you through these 25 - almost 26! - years that we've been together. You've been good to me - and I try to reciprocate - but it's been difficult. You can't help but to be who you are, and yet I've had my issues accepting you and cherishing you the way I should be. I'm sorry and I just wanted to let you know that, from here on out, I will treat you better. So I write to you, my dear, as a way for you to gain an understanding of why my treatment of you has been sub-par and to make clear my intent towards you in the future.

Very early on, I was taught not to like you. You came to me slightly larger than other people's bodies, and as a child I was surrounded by people who told me something was wrong with you because you were bigger. These people influenced me so much that I believed what they said to be true, and began to think something was wrong with you. I resented the fact that I was stuck with you. I fed you to ignore the sadness that came with that resentment - especially as a child - and do you remember how you responded to that? You grew and grew, and scarred in ways I wouldn't have conceived of as a child. Most children's bodies didn't have stretch marks - but they first appeared on my arms when I was very young. Seeing those marks on you didn't help me feel any better about you.

I held on to that resentment of you for many many years, and felt less than others because of you, including the group of people who first told me that something was wrong with you because of your size. Even after I realized that the group of people who put this in my head were just judgmental bitches who had their own issues with their bodies, I held on to my resentment of you. I learned to disregard their opinions of my body - but because their opinion of you had been my opinion of you for so long, it was hard for me to let the opinion go. One thing that was funny - after I began to disregard those people's opinions of you, I began to get feedback about you that was much more positive from other groups of people - men mostly. I met people who actually liked how you looked - and a few who liked you so much that they wanted you for themselves. But their opinions were disregarded too - even those who seemed to like you so much they wanted to make use of you for their own selfish purposes.

I disregarded everyone's opinion of you and held on to my resentment of you stubbornly - except for when I allowed those particular people to make use of you for their own purposes. I allowed it though, because allowing them to use you actually made me feel good about you for the first time - even if that good feeling only lasted for a few minutes, it seemed to be worth it. I was still young then - just starting college - and didn't realize that treating you that way - letting others treat you that way - was a way of abusing you, ultimately. It didn't take me long to realize this though - and I would say that the first time I actually began to appreciate you was when I realized I should be more selective with whom I shared you.

Since that point, I have been learning, slowly, to love you. There was that summer between freshman and sophomore year of college though when I hated you so much! You had gotten so big so quickly! I'd treated you so badly during freshman year, with all the greasy food and drinking - you clearly didn't like it and stretched out bigger than you had ever been at that point. I was disgusted with you and decided to do something about it - remember? So I joined Weight Watchers and watched you slim down as I followed the program. Do you remember that? It was great. I never felt better about you. That feeling though, was short-lived too. I don't think I properly learned to take care of you given the circumstances I was in during my years in college. So I learned, slowly, just how to do that. And during that time, I began to truly appreciate you for the wonder you are.

And you are that, you know. A wonder. I remember clearly the very first time I saw you, on a whole, as this magnificent creature. It was in Jamaica - January 2006 - and I was visiting my sister - just so very happy to be there. I was getting ready to sleep and changing into my night clothes and I caught a glimpse of you unclothed. It was as if I was seeing you for the first time. Simply amazing. I think that was the day I fell in love with you - including your stretch marks, and love handles and all the other things most others would consider undesirable. I loved every bit in that moment and that feeling has never left me. You might think differently based on some of the things you've been subjected to since then - but believe me, I do love you.

It was that year that I think I treated you the worst ever. But my dear, you were the unfortunate and unavoidable scapegoat for the world of stress I lived in during that time. And I learned what can happen when you are neglected. Hair fell out. You gained 10 lbs in the space of a week - 10 lbs that you didn't let go of until this summer. The summer of 2006 I slowly began to treat you better - you didnt get any bigger, your hair grew, your skin cleared. I began to match my treatment of you with my love for you - despite whatever else was going on in my life.

Last year though, I learned of the devastating effect my treatment of you over the years has had. PCOS. It's reversible - but will only be reversed when I treat you better. And despite learning about PCOS I haven't been doing THAT much better in my treatment of you, I know. I'm even back on Weight Watchers and I'm not doing THAT much better. It's hard though - my interest in treating you well competes with school and my job. This past year you have been sick more often than in many years past - and I know it has a lot to do with my poor treatment of you.

And you definitely do not deserve the treatment! I'm writing this to you as a pledge to treat you better. If I continue on the way I have been, PCOS will be the least of my troubles with you. Beyond that - I long for the days when you felt full of life. You and I haven't been together THAT long - we can still feel good together - but my treatment of you has worn you down before your time, I believe. So, from here on out, I will eat and drink more of the things you respond to and digest the best - I will exercise you more and most importantly, I will value you and treat you as my most important possession - because that is exactly what you are. Without you, I wouldn't be able to write this and do all that I want to do in life.

Once again, I apologize for past mistreatment, my dear. But, if you are patient with me, you will see how much things will change for the better.



Love,

Tricia

An exercise on reality.

We make things more complicated than they need to be and it's usually the result of our thoughts. I know I am guilty of this - but I strive to break away from it. Recently I've had a number of conversations with friends, acquaintances and the like, about things that wouldn't be so complicated if they just stopped thinking about it - or overthinking - or worrying about whatever it was we discussed. I think I needed to have these conversations because I needed to be shown how I do the same from time to time - and how to do it less.

We all need to "think" in a sense - as I write this, I'm engaging in a thought process - but we, as human beings don't spend enough time just "being" - living in the now, being aware of our presence and reality, and acting accordingly. It gets to the point where our thoughts distract us from our reality - and it is when we reach this point we make things more complicated than they are. You may believe that your thoughts reflect your reality - but not quite. Once you move beyond a point of acknowledgment and understanding of present circumstances, every other thought you think of your situation is a distraction from your reality. It's not always a bad thing to be distracted from present circumstances - you might need the distraction from time to time. It just seems that we live in a constant stream of thought that can carry us away from reality and bring us to places like worry, fear, anxiety, delusion, hubris, sadness, obsession, etc - abstractions of reality. It then takes something or someone to provide a reality check - to bring us "back to earth." And sometimes those reality checks come with unfortunate circumstances.

If you need an example, consider Eliot Spitzer - who has spent his career as Attorney General, and then Governor of New York as a politician who prided himself on eliminating fraud and corruption. The reality is that he was as corrupt as the entities he targeted - and it took a mundane tax inquiry by the IRS to set his reality check in motion. I don't know him (of course) but I'm sure that he was always aware that was he was doing was as salacious as the activities he sought to end - and who couldn't see the hypocrisy in that? But he continued, likely motivated by some stream of thoughts that led him to justify what he was doing (my guess is that he suffers from a deal of hubris) - and in continuing to do so, probably thought he wouldn't get caught. The reality on February 13, and still is now, is that everything we do, even if you are the Governor of New York is traceable, especially in this day and age - ESPECIALLY when it involves monetary transactions and ESPECIALLY(!!) when it involves the account of the Governor of New York. At the point when he decided to withdraw that $2000 from his account for the prostitute's services, was he acting as someone aware of reality?

I think the world would be a better place if we did a little less thinking and a lot more "being" - not mindlessness, but being mindful of our presence in this world, and the reality in which we exist.

(And I intend to write something a bit more creative about this topic - but I needed to work out my thoughts first. Hence the exercise.)

Together.

you're a star -
i'm a star -
we're all stars
in the same
constellation.
we burn brightly
by ourselves -
but we light
the night's sky
only when we're
seen together.


© 2008 Patricia B.

about my dreams:

i find that as i go along in my life in pursuit of my dreams, there are many days when the going along gets rough. and there are days when the word "rough" doesn't begin to describe how bad it is. it gets so bad that sometimes i wonder if the pursuit is really worth it at all. i think a part of the problem is, for me, that i'm not going after my dream in pursuit of happiness. i'm happy. i'm blessed and i am relatively healthy and God gave me the ability to do great things and i'm already doing great things. i'm content - i have many things that bring me joy. my dreams are not worth pursuing because attaining it will make me so much more happier than i am now - maybe it will, maybe it won't. i pursue my dreams mainly because i believe i was put here for a purpose, and it's my mission to fulfill that purpose. because my dream is not so much one i created but one that was given to me, it's hard for me to justify pursuing my dreams in the typical sense. it's as if it was literally another person that said, "Tricia, this is what you are here to do. So now, go do it." that's not exactly how that happened. i do know i was five or six years old - i was definitely in kindergarten and i may have actually been in kindergarten class when it happened. no one said anything to me and i don't really believe that at that age i even had the wherewithal to consider my life's purpose (even though i was an unusually bright kid.). but, there it was. what i was here to do. it was definitely given to me. and since it's not something i came up with on my own, i've had some issues figuring out how it was going to get done, and whether it's really worth my time at all. i think when you own something, anything, including a dream, it's easy to think about what you will do and won't do with it - because it's yours, either by creation or some other means of ownership. but when something is given to you, especially when you didn't ask for it, it's harder to just know what should be done with it, and if you should even bother to keep it. but i've kept it. even when i tried to throw it away, it always came back to me. and since the age of five or six i've been fortunate to discover just how it was i am to fulfill these purposes - the method too has been something given to me - not exactly something i thought about and made a decision to do. it might seem mindless - and it is mindless. i have not attached a tremendous amount of thought to keeping the dream or to the decision on how it should be pursued. so here i am in the midst of pursuing my dreams - and it's not easy. and i wonder, if my dream was given to me so easily, why is it that i can't pursue the dream as easily? i never told life what i wanted to do, and i never asked life what it wanted from me - life just told me what it was that i had to do without any effort on my part. so why is it that now that i'm actually doing what life wants me to do, life is making it so difficult? what's the point in all this? as i've written this, i've drawn the conclusion that life or whatever it is that gave me the dream isn't what makes things so difficult - it's me. it's me questioning it, it's me doing things that clearly go against the pursuit of the dream, it's my lack of faith that i am doing what i'm supposed to be doing that makes minor complications into huge difficulties. i need to trust, and i need to believe in it and be consistent in the trust and belief. the dream has always been trusting and faithful to me and things will likely get easier once i reciprocate.

© 2008 Patricia B.

Unbelievable

The problem is that I don't believe in it anymore.
I've been working in its pursuit for awhile, and I've become jaded.
I didn't plan on ending my quest for it anytime soon
And I planned on pursuing it on a higher plane
But my lack of belief is preventing me from moving forward.
So it feels like I should just let the dream go altogether.
But then, I'm not a quitter.
I'm tough and I'm focused and
I survive and I persevere and
Point blank, I'm stubborn.
And so while letting it go
Goes against who I am,
Not being myself
Feels remarkably preferable.
But who am I to abort my mission?
Who am I discard my dream?
My mission - my dream -
given to me long ago.
A gift - a blessing -
What and why I kept on going.
And now that I'm in the thick of things -
In the midst of the hardest time so far -
With harder times to come -
When I need to believe the vision of the dream the most
I find that I just don't.
And I don't understand why my mission was given to me.
And my dream is sickened by present reality,
Maybe hoping for a renewal in vitality.
It once looked so vibrant and full of life.
But now it appears dimly, wheezing
Telling the same story of the future -
But merely echoing its former voice.
Nothing I do to strengthen it seems to help.
Why should I keep such a sickly thing?
Shouldn't a dream inspire energy?
This dream saps my resolve - it drains me.
And the vision of the dream as a reality
Is remarkably unbelievable.

© 2008 Patricia B.

A thought at 2AM:

My dreams carry me through
when I'm bound in doubt.
When my thoughts do me in
my dreams pull me out.
Visions of future greatness
will keep in focus with clarity,
as long as I'm not turned astray
while turning visions into reality.
© 2008 Patricia B.

--
I guess I could make this longer - I could extrapolate on the general idea but damnit, it's really 2 in the morning.

In order to dream, I need sleep!

the late bird

the late bird arises,
striving to be timely -
she sees success fly by
on the wings of the early -
and chases after their tails,
fleeing from failure
and feeling mediocre,
though she knows better.
for the late bird flies freely
no different from the early -
but for her to be more
she knows she must soar.

(and she will.)

© 2008 Patricia B.

--
Please believe, she will.

Inevitable

I know that if it is meant to be
He will come to me.
And it's not a matter meant for worry.
And it's not a process to rush or hurry.

Just as the sun is naturally bound to shine
If he is meant for me, then he will be mine.

© 2008 Patricia B.

--
True story. Maybe one day, I'll tell you all about it.

Daybreak

I write luminescence;
Writing in the language of sunshine.
My words are the morning light.
If only your eyes could hear
It would listen to the new day written.

© 2008 Patricia B.

--
First piece of 2008!

I'm working on some short stories. Lots of ideas swirling about in the brain since the inception of 08 but nothing has materialized to completion until this - which came together sort of by playing with the "Magnetic Words" application on Facebook. I love these sorts of exercises... you're given a bunch of words, sometimes random (like the Magnetic Words application) and you have to come up with something (a poem, a story, a description, a sentence) using only the words you're given. It's the sort of exercise I've always done in creative writing classes. Challenging but fun.

This is actually what I came up with using the words they give in the facebook application:

I write magnetic;
writing in lines of sunshine
my words are the morning light
listen to a new day written
if only your mind can hear

I think I did pretty well with it!

I also like the first line.

I write magnetic.

What do you think?